Goldilocks & the Free Bears by Paul Farnsworth

Author:Paul Farnsworth [Farnsworth, Paul]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781447683032
Publisher: Lulu.com
Published: 2011-08-31T16:00:00+00:00

Inspector Crump and Sergeant Pinewood had chased the Bishop of Durham for nearly two miles before they finally caught up with him. He claimed diplomatic immunity, kissed them both on the cheek then flagged down a motorbike and rode off. Crump and Pinewood returned to their car in time to receive the message that a lorry full of Mr. Pop-Up’s Liquorice Flavoured Novelty Condoms with two unusually hairy people at the wheel had been spotted heading north. They eventually found the lorry abandoned several miles up the road and stopped to search it for clues.

“Sir, look what I’ve found!” said Sergeant Pinewood excitedly.

“Put it down Pinewood, you don’t know where it’s been,” said Crump. The Inspector reached inside the cab and picked up a pair of fluffy dice with his pencil. “I want you to send these back to the station and get the lab boys to analyse them,” he said, holding them out for Pinewood.

But Pinewood wasn’t listening; he was just staring straight past him. Crump turned to see a man hobbling towards them, pushing a bike with an Old English Sheepdog in the saddlebag. He was wearing dirty Wellington boots that were turned over at the top and had rhubarb growing out of holes in the toes. His clothes were dirty and tattered, his teeth broken and yellow, and it was apparent from the fumes emanating from his person that he hadn’t washed for some time. In fact, Pinewood judged it to have been precisely eighteen years four months and two days.

“Good God!” said Crump as the aroma hit him.

“How do, gentlemen,” said the man.

“And good day to you, dirty old tramp person,” said Pinewood tactfully.

“I reckon as how you two is strangers around these parts,” said the man. His face was covered in evil looking warts, and he only had one eye, which was bloodshot and glared at them malevolently. “We don’t get many strangers round here.”

“You surprise me,” said Crump.

“It’s odd,” the old man continued. “You’re the second lot we’ve had today.”

“Other strangers have been here today?” Crump asked eagerly.

“They came in that there lorry what you’re so interested in,” said the strange man as his teeth dropped out and ran round excitedly in circles at his feet.

“This lorry?” said Crump. “Can you give me a description?”

“Ooh, let’s see now,” the old man said, scratching his grizzled chin. “It’s big, black and it seems to be carrying one hundred gross of Mr. Pop-Up’s Liquorice Flavoured Novelty Condoms.”

“No, not the lorry,” said Crump. “The people who were in it. Did they look like grizzly bears?”

“Well now,” said the man. “I ain’t saying they was, and I ain’t saying they wasn’t, but they was both big and hairy.”

“I see,” said Crump. “And which way did they go?” “Now then,” said the man. “I ain’t saying they went north, and I ain’t saying they went south, but they went north.”

He hobbled out of the scene, muttering something about not going out on the moors at night.

“North!” said Inspector Crump triumphantly.

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